I found this attempt at satire on my hard drive as home as I was attempting to start writing my university research grant.
I think it was an attempt at what the kids call “sarcasm”.
Sent: Saturday, November 27, 2010 5:55 PM
FW: Exclusive from The Quibbler: Hogwarts to Reduce Teaching Staff, Hire More Wizards to Administrate
Guy-Thought you’d like this. I saw it coming years ago.
Yours in vision,
Sent: Saturday, November 27, 2010 12:00 PM
To: Binns, Cuthbert (HistoryofMagic); Flitwick, Filius (Charms); Grubbly-Plank, Wilhelmina(Herbology); Hagrid, Rubeus(CareMagicalCreatures); Hooch, Rolanda (Flying); McGonagall, Minerva (Transfiguration); Slughore, Horace (DefenseDarkArts); Snape, Serverus (Potions); Trelawney, Sybill (Divination)
Cc: Dumbledore, Albus (Headmaster); Shaklebolt,Kingsley (MinistryofMagic); Umbridge, Doloris (MinsitryofMagic); Fudge, Cornelius (MinistryofMagic)
Subject: Exclusive from The Quibbler: Hogwarts to Reduce Teaching Staff, Hire More Wizards to Administrate
In a surprise move Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, announced today that the school would be letting faculty go over the next few years despite increased enrollments, designated funds for new teaching positions from the Ministry of Magic, and specified goals in the Hogwart’s Strategic plan. Instead, Dumbledore explained that the money would instead be used to hire more administrative faculty to tackle the seemingly complex goals of assessing what the students have learned from their NEWT and OWL exams. Additionally, Dumbledore has decided to spend funds to better equip the Quidditch teams- not only redoing the pitch to accommodate more seats but also hiring more staff to monitor players… all in a designed move to specifically keep Hogwart’s noticeable on the international, amateur, Quidditch team map.
Dumbledore’s budget-related moves confused many in the wizarding world who have kids at Hogwart’s. Augusta Longbottom, whose nephew goes to Hogwart’s asked, “Won’t more teachers in the classroom help my Neville become a better Herbologist? Won’t he become better if a teacher gives him more hands-on opportunities to replant Mandrakes and Abyssinian Shrivelfigs? He cannot do that if there are 40 students in the lab!” Hannah Abbott, current resident of Hufflepuff added, “I already needed an override for Potions last term and I’d rather grind Erumpent horn than ask Snape for another! With even fewer teachers, it might take me another year until I get into Potions II… and I need to know how to make the Draught of the Living Dead for my OWLs! This is just some clever ruse to get us to stay at Hogwart’s longer!”
The Ministry of Magic is swamped with Howlers over the bizarre budget moves; but insists that the Hogwart’s administration has the right and flexibility to buck the popular move of hiring faculty. A Ministry official, wishing to speak anonymously stated, “Next time Hogwart’s comes to us asking for more funds for faculty we at the Wizengamot will point our wands and say ‘Riddikulus’!” Wizards outside the Ministry, however, are less jocular of the steering away from Hogwart’s mission and are wand tapping mad about the reallocation of public resources allotted from the Ministry. Melina Macmilliam called the planned move to let faculty go, “Crazier than Loony Lovegood’s search for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack.”
When cornered about the move, Dumbledore backed away from his pensive to justify his actions. He stated, “Well, I’ve just watched testimony from a Muggle President at Central Connecticut State University from 2006. He testified then that a growing student/faculty ratio was the’ greater problem’ at his University when he asked his State Legislature for funds for more faculty lines. He then turned around a few years later and decided to tell his Provost to let those hard fought for lines go. I figured I’d do the same and try to stay with the times. I usually try the logical approach to solve these types of problems; but this time I’ve decided to act like a Muggle and to fly in the face of the students, Hogwart teachers, our plan to the public, and officials at the Ministry”. As he peers over his half-moon spectacles, one could help but wonder if he has been placed under the Imperius Curse by Salazar Slytherin himself.
The Daily Phrophet